


cause the way that you were lookin' (i was hopin' you were lookin' at me)

by crystaljules



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Denial of Feelings, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Summer Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 18:03:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11190426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystaljules/pseuds/crystaljules
Summary: Jonny takes a deep breath. Patrick lets go of the edge and takes small treads, creating small waves that bounce against the walls of the pool as he swims to the far side of the pool, further away from Jonny.title from hopin' you were lookin' by rascal flatts





	cause the way that you were lookin' (i was hopin' you were lookin' at me)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Blackhawks Summer Fic Fest 2017](http://coffeekristin.tumblr.com/post/161101119308/blackhawks-summer-fic-fest-2017). Prompt(s): [this pic](http://68.media.tumblr.com/2f743c5a0f6b56332f27a0fd1767c12d/tumblr_inline_or4yu3izPY1thvwfu_500.jpg), "I think we need to talk", and "I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified".
> 
> unbeta'd, so i'm sorry if this is really bad

Jonny doesn't understand how Patrick burns so easily.

Yeah, he knows it's got something to do with the Irish skin and everything. But no matter how much sunscreen Patrick puts on, he still burns.

"You're burning, Pat," Jonny tells him. Patrick looks back at him and an eyebrow raising over the top rim of his aviator sunglasses. Jonny sighs and leans back in his chair.

He closes his eyes and enjoys the sound of the soft splashes the water makes against the edges of the pool. The hotel is calm today, as there's no one on the pool deck besides him and Patrick. But Jonny also chose a random hotel online when searching for places to stay in Palm Springs. The town was surprisingly deserted when they arrived yesterday afternoon. It's just been the two of them.

In some ways, this is like a blessing for Jonny. He's been wanting alone time with Patrick for quite some time. It's hard to get that time when you're always around other people constantly for nine months out of the year. It's especially difficult when there's unrelieved tension between two people that everyone in a dressing room can feel at any point in time.

Jonny had enough, and he booked a trip three days ago and called Patrick up, telling him they were going away for two weeks to get away from everything. Patrick didn't even argue. He agreed, and then they took a flight from Chicago to LAX, and then drove all the way out to Palm Springs in a shitty rental car that almost broke down three times.

The tension has eased, but there's still that elephant in the room that neither Patrick nor Jonny have been able to get off their backs. It's distracting Jonny from focusing on the peacefulness of the vacation that they're on. And Jonny's tried to talk since yesterday afternoon, but Patrick has side-stepped every conversation and made an excuse for dipping out on Jonny.

Patrick must feel another talk coming on, because he pushes himself off of his chair as soon as Jonny turns towards him and heads towards the pool. Jonny watches him carefully as he lowers himself to the edge of the pull and sits down, letting his legs dip into the water. Jonny notices a slight shiver that goes through Patrick's body, and Jonny bites his lip. Patrick lifts himself up and slowly slides into the chlorine infused pool - back muscles rippling and Jonny would give everything to be on the other side right now, staring at Patrick's flexing abs as the water swallows up his body.

Jonny takes a deep breath. Patrick lets go of the edge and takes small treads, creating small waves that bounce against the walls of the pool as he swims to the far side of the pool, further away from Jonny.

As Patrick reaches the other side of the pool, Jonny feels the air thicken and his heart race a little faster. Patrick turns around and stretches out his arms along the pool's side, eyes closed. Jonny sighs knowing that Pat hasn't noticed him staring and watching his every move.

"You should come in," Patrick calls out, opening his eyes to look at Jonny. He's so far away, but Jonny's chest tightens when their eyes meet. The bright sun is reflecting off Patrick's starkly white skin and Jonny puts a hand against his forehead to shade his eyes, but Patrick's gaze is still on his. It's a dark gaze seeping through his bright blue eyes.

Something about the way Patrick is looking at him drags Jonny towards the pool. Jonny follows exactly how Patrick entered the pool just a few minutes ago. He keeps his eyes staring directly into Patrick's eyes, and for some reason, Jonny feels like he can't breathe. His arms collapse and he falls into the water. Even though it's almost a hundred degrees out, the pool water is chilly. When he resurfaces, Jonny's startled by how much closer Patrick has gotten towards him.

"Hey," Jonny mutters, attempting to look everywhere else but directly at Patrick. He succeeds until a smirk creeps up on Patrick's face, and now Jonny's fucked. "The water's kinda cold, eh?"

Patrick chuckles and takes a step towards Jonny. "Just a lil' bit." He takes another step towards Jonny.

"Patrick."

Another step.

"Jonathan."

Another step.

"I think - "

Patrick stops and glimpses at him, eyes searching all over Jonny's face as he abruptly stops talking. Jonny's mouth is agape, and he's stuck. He can't say it. He's wanted to, for so fucking long, and now everything is stuck in the lump in his throat.

"What do you think, Jon?" Patrick asks with a small whisper. He takes another step closer to Jonny, this time so small that Jonny barely notices there's a difference in the space between them.

Jonny knows what he thinks; he thinks they need to  _talk_. They need to discuss whatever this is.

I mean, how long can they go without bringing up all of those years they roomed together? How long can Patrick pretend like they didn't exchange glances at each other in the locker room or at dinner or during the game or in the showers? All of the times their eyes scanned over each other's bodies while they soaped up and rinsed off the sweat. Patrick would wink at Jonny sometimes when he caught Jonny looking, and Jonny would just blush and look away.

How can Patrick not admit to all of the innuendos he planted on Jonny when they were side by side at the bar and Patrick was curling his foot around Jonny's ankle and not letting him go talk to the hot girl swaying her hips on the dance floor? He would whisper in Jonny's ear, "You gonna get her?", while he skimmed his hand over the inside of Jonny's thigh. Jonny would turn to Patrick and say, "Nah, not tonight," every single time.

How can Patrick not discuss all of those times he slipped into Jonny's bed in the middle of the night and curled up against Jonny from behind, slinging an arm over his side and not saying a single word? Jonny dealt with nightmares the first few years, and Patrick had insomnia. Whenever he questioned Patrick about the inexplicable cuddling, he got the same response every time.

_'It's helping the both of us, Jon. I'm sleeping and you're sleeping, so what's the big deal?'_

How can Patrick not bring up the one time Jonny tried to bring a girl home and Patrick got jealous, dragging him out of the bar and slamming him up against the door when they entered the hotel room and kissing him? God, Patrick had kissed him so hard that he got the breath knocked out of him. Patrick had shoved his tongue into Jonny's mouth while they moaned simultaneously and grabbed at each other as if their lives depended on it. Neither of them said a word as Patrick shoved Jonny's jeans down and slipped his hand down Jonny's boxers, palming at the half-hard dick encased in them. They didn't talk as they jerked each other off against the door and came at the same time.

How can they not talk about every unsaid feeling bubbling between them until it all got so difficult that Jonny walked out and never even said goodbye? The screaming, the crying, and the obvious anger at the fact that Patrick never wanted to speak about what they were doing. It had been making out turned to buddy-fucking, and Jonny just wanted answers. But Patrick didn't budge, so Jonny walked out of Patrick's apartment and never came back.

The thing is that you can't say goodbye to someone when they're still in your mind all of the time. You can't just let someone go that's around you every single moment of every single day for ten years, even if they do their best to ignore you as much as possible and Jonny's tired of ignoring this -  _them_.

"Jon?" Patrick croaks, and he's now a lot closer to Jonny than before. Jonny stares at Patrick - examines every single feature on his face.

He's aged well since they started playing together all those years ago. His eyebrows are still thick and dirty blonde and sometimes sticking up in every direction. His eyelashes are still dark, almost black and curled and so long they brush across the tops of his cheeks when he blinks. Patrick's eyes have always been an ever-changing blue; sometimes they're bright and lively, and sometimes they're dark and opaque like the deep waters of the sea. His freckles have become more transparent over the years, but Jonny can see they're scattered across his small nose and cheeks. And his mouth is still so full and red and distracting whenever Patrick licks his lips. His cheekbones accentuate the features on his face. And, god, his smile can brighten anyone's day. Jonny's always loved when his tongue pokes up against the small gap between his front teeth. And obviously, being a hockey player, Patrick's built - all broad shoulders and wide frame. His ass is underrated, and never gets enough credit. At least, that's what Jonny has always thought.

Patrick is so beautiful. He's always been, especially to Jonny.

"I, uh," Jonny starts again, "I think we need to talk."

He watches as Patrick gulps and takes on more step towards him so that there's less than a foot distancing them from one another.

"Yeah," Patrick mutters.

"I wish I could hate you," Jonny blurts out. Patrick's eyes widen and he tries to back up, but Jonny reaches out at grabs his arm. He pulls Patrick toward him so they're right up against each other, and he holds on.

"Jonny - "

"I want to hate you, Patrick," Jonny interrupts. "I want to hate you so fucking bad for torturing me for all those years into thinking that you wanted me the same way I wanted you."

Patrick shakes his head violently and tries tugging himself away, but Jonny won't let him go. He's not letting Patrick go this time.

"You could've just fucking told me that you didn't feel that way about me. You could've said you just wanted to be friends with benefits or some shit like that so things didn't have to end the way they did." Jonny sniffles and squeezes his eyes shut. "We could've ended on good terms. Instead, you didn't say  _anything_ and I had to walk away like a fucking idiot when we could've figured it all out."

Jonny opens his eyes and searches Patrick's face for something - for  _anything_ \- for a reaction. What he notices is that Patrick looks tired and drained, and not just because they only got three hours of sleep last night. He's known Patrick long enough to tell when something's bugging him, and it's visible to Jonny that Patrick's stressed.

"I just can't seem to understand why you never said anything," Jonny tries to reason, but he gets no response from Patrick.

But Patrick continues to shake his head as he lifts his hands to cup Jonny's face. Jonny wants to pry them off, but instead he lets Patrick smooth his thumbs over Jonny's jawline.

"Jon," Patrick speaks, then stops and furrows his eyebrows. "I never meant to hurt you. I thought you knew."

"Knew what? That you never liked me that way?" Jonny scoffs. "Because I'm pretty fucking sure that you made it obvious that - "

"That what?" Patrick interrupts. He tilts his head at Jonny like he's confused. "That I only wanted to fuck?" Patrick laughs softly. "That I only wanted you for your looks and your ass? Please Jonathan, you should know better than that."

Jonny narrows his eyes at Patrick. "I don't get it."

Patrick rolls his eyes. "What don't you get? Jon, I've seen the way you look at me when you think I don't notice. I used to catch you doing it so many times. What  _you_ didn't notice was that I was always looking right back."

Jonny shakes his head. "No, you were never looking. I always looked at you. I was always trying to get you to notice me. I constantly tried to talk about everything with you. I wanted to know how you were feeling and - "

"And what?" Patrick says. "Jonny, you never once asked how I felt. I was so fucking scared to tell you everything and how I've felt about you all this time."

Jonny's eyes widen and Patrick's lips are moving but Jonny can't hear a word he's saying. Jonny's too focused on trying to flash back to all of the times they woke up next to each other, and if he ever saw Patrick staring at him. Or if they were at the bar and Jonny was talking to a girl, and if he ever glanced past Patrick pointing daggers at him. Maybe he never acknowledged it when Patrick was blatantly eyeing him at fancy restaurants during team dinners while he was laughing at one of Duncs' stupid jokes or something.

He recalls one time when he woke up, eyes fluttering open and the warmth of someone else's body draped over him. Jonny looked down at legs tangled with his own, and a naked body pressed flushed up against his. Jonny skimmed his eyes up the length of the body until he found Patrick's face. He was gazing up at Jonny with sleepy eyes and a smile on his face. Jonny had just smiled right back and fallen asleep again, feeling the light press of lips against his forehead.

How could he be so stupid to not realize that the entire time he's been looking, Patrick has been looking, too?

Patrick pulls Jonny's face closer to his and presses their foreheads together. Jonny shudders as he locks his eyes on Patrick's.

He gets it now. As Patrick looks at him with so much care and trust and  _love_ in his eyes, Jonny finally understands.

"I think I'm in love with you," Patrick discloses, and lets out a scared laugh, "And, fuck, am I terrified."

Jonny smiles wide and slides his hand up Patrick's waist until he reaches the back of his neck. He toys with the nape of Patrick's hair.

"Jonny, I am so sorry." Patrick wrinkles his nose and bites his lower lip. "I've just been so scared to tell you because I didn't want to mess things up."

And, fuck, he can't take this anymore. Jonny closes the gap between them and presses a soft kiss to Patrick's lips. Patrick gasps at the initial touch, but Jonny immediately pulls away. Patrick whines when Jonny peels his lips off.

"You messed things up by not saying anything, Pat," Jonny says. "I don't want to lose you again."

Patrick shakes his head. "You won't. I promise. Now say you love me."

Jonny rolls his eyes. "I love you, Patrick."

Patrick beams and drags Jonny down for another kiss.


End file.
